Today Dr. Lindstrom sent me an email about what my intentions are for a music major...
I don't really know what to tell him. I don't know.
I don't want to be a music teacher, I despise teaching. I hate theory. I like performing, and I seem to be good at it sometimes. I love practicing piano.
I had a talk with Nick the other day about what we think we're doing in college, and what we're supposedly getting out of it. Somehow I don't see that it's worth it anymore. What am I getting out of this? I'm stressed out everyday, I'm bored with content I don't care about. I'm growing to hate music because of the ridiculous amount of social heirarchy in our choirs.
I hate being in choirs where people come every day and don't learn a single note, while I look at music on my own time, and show up every once in a while and totally know my part. I hate choir, I hate theory. Should I really be a music major? If I change my major now, I'll lose my scholarships. I'm already almost finished with my requirements...but what the hell am I gonna do with a BA in music if I have no intention of teaching?
I feel so worthless now, I guess.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone, and I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I can't lose my scholarships. My parents and everyone worked so hard to get me here, and if anything were to happen, I would hate myself for letting them down...for letting myself down.
It's not a matter of if I can do it. I know I can do it, but it's just a matter of a reason I'm doing it. What if I'm wasting my time here?
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2 comments:
Going to college is about getting an education, not merely as a pathway to your career, though ultimately, most ppl use their degrees for that purpose, esp if you want to be a doctor or engineer or a lawyer, where the path is more or less restricted and marked out. HOWEVER, there are numerous ppl I know who are not in a profession they trained for and they are doing fine, getting on and not having any guilty feelings. If you're learning something from your classes and assignments everyday, that's good enough, cos you're getting educated - don't forget, you're also getting educated in life lessons - how to get along with ppl, how to manage your time, and so on.
Cheer up, its not the end of the world :)
:') thank you!
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