to find you, a song over and over

and i'll continue to play it until you come home.
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today was a good day for me. yesterday i went to bed at 7am. i woke up at about 1pm today, drove to work, had a good work day, came home, cleaned my rat's cage. his name is varg. i posted a photo.

anyway, there's not much else. i stayed in. i wanted to go out. a part of me was saying "just get out of the house...just have a drink with strangers and come back home. be social or something. maybe go buy your boyfriend a birthday present for tomorrow..."

but the other part of me was like "don't bother." so i didn't bother. I am staying in. chain smoking and re-downloading some games. listening to music i haven't listened to in a long time. i feel very content, actually. i'm glad i didn't leave my room tonight.

it's his birthday tomorrow and i didn't get anything for him. he says it's ok, but i can't help but feel guilty. what is it with holidays and predetermined guilt? "get this person a present, or they'll think you don't like them."

and, of course, "it's the thought that counts"

i think about people all the time. about how much better my life would be without them. or how much worse. how socially dependent and yet still indifferent i am about my friends and family. i'm not sure anymore.

holiday presents bother me. how am i supposed to know what people need or want? if i ask, it makes me seem heartless, but if i don't and get them something, what if it's not wanted? that's almost as bad as not getting anything in the first place...god forbid.

please don't get me anything for my birthday. i promise i won't be mad.