of course i have photos rotting away on my phone

but i just fucking hate myself today. fuck fuck fuck.

gonna sleep.

hoping for reality.

dying

full day of work, then band practice...i'm seriously dying.

i have photos and funny video of after a giant fireworks malfunction from july 4th.

apparently that holiday is a big deal in the usa.

while waiting to leave

i want

i feel like i want to go out like this all the time.
with my face covered and my hair dirty.
but i can't because everyone will assume i'm out to cause harm.

blow up a building, steal something, or hurt someone.

why is there a stigma connected with people covering their faces?
why can't it be innocently not wanting to have my face open to everyone?

just a thought.

heading out

going down to wilmington to a birthday get together with my parents. they're going to be out of the country for my actual birthday next week, and my dad's birthday is tomorrow.

i guess it's a whole family picnic thing.

i just want to eat hot dogs and baked beans. i could give a shit about my birthday, i'm starving.

i play a lot of the sims

and i listen to a lot of versailles.

my night consists of

cherry coke

i clean varg's cage every monday after work. i also try to get him new toys every monday when i can afford to. he's really enjoying hinself.

my birthday's coming up next week. i bet a lot of people won't know when it is, since i changed the date on my facebook :)

let's see who my true friends are, and if my parents forget.

i was going to go out tonight, but i'd know how i'd feel...

onde os leitores meu Brasil vem?

Percebi hoje que eu estou começando a ficar leitores indiretos do Brasil. Eu também percebi que eu não conheço nenhum Português. Traduz Google é um salva-vidas. :) E eu só queria dizer oi e espero que para manter os leitores a voltar ... por algum motivo estranho. Talvez eu gosto da contagem de vista subindo. Talvez eu deva começar a escrever posts mais tangíveis, como eu costumava ... jajajajaja

for english readers:
::I realized today that i'm starting to get indirect readers from Brazil. I also realized that I don't know any Portuguese. Google Translate is a lifesaver. :) and i just wanted to say hi and hope to keep readers coming back...for some odd reason. Maybe I like the view count going up. Maybe I should start writing more tangible posts like I used to...jajajajaja::

maybe also I will do a post in Russian.

spiritual satanism and me, a review of my life

as i'm getting ready to teach children today, i am suddenly reminded that my life is so much different than when i was in college.
i don't feign interest in things that don't pertain to me anymore.
i smoke cigarettes now.
i have a job in my field. and i like to think i do well in it.
i'm not always out to drag people into my life, which has caused me less problems.
i'm not a 'christian'...

this might be something to be explained later, but honestly, i don't want to impose my beliefs on you, readers.
so don't let someone's religion course through your veins. don't force yourself to believe in something that's not right for you because other people won't like you otherwise. i'm much happier with my church of 1.

i put off making a mix cd til the last minute.

it's still awesome.

wait a minute.

does this blog make me look reclusive??

oh my roommates are awake.

it doesn't hurt anymore

i spend a lot of time on the computer.

i don't dislike my life. i rather enjoy it.

i specifically do one major thing daily. i get stressed easily so things like this that control my intake of outside opinions and emotions really do well for me. my one thing daily is usually work. on days where i don't work, my one thing daily usually consists of a drive to my boyfriend's house (45 minute drive) or maybe a specific errand i have to run, or band practice.

things like this, scheduling and then relaxing for the rest unless there's something dire to be addressed, these things keep me in a complacent mood.

to find you, a song over and over

and i'll continue to play it until you come home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
today was a good day for me. yesterday i went to bed at 7am. i woke up at about 1pm today, drove to work, had a good work day, came home, cleaned my rat's cage. his name is varg. i posted a photo.

anyway, there's not much else. i stayed in. i wanted to go out. a part of me was saying "just get out of the house...just have a drink with strangers and come back home. be social or something. maybe go buy your boyfriend a birthday present for tomorrow..."

but the other part of me was like "don't bother." so i didn't bother. I am staying in. chain smoking and re-downloading some games. listening to music i haven't listened to in a long time. i feel very content, actually. i'm glad i didn't leave my room tonight.

it's his birthday tomorrow and i didn't get anything for him. he says it's ok, but i can't help but feel guilty. what is it with holidays and predetermined guilt? "get this person a present, or they'll think you don't like them."

and, of course, "it's the thought that counts"

i think about people all the time. about how much better my life would be without them. or how much worse. how socially dependent and yet still indifferent i am about my friends and family. i'm not sure anymore.

holiday presents bother me. how am i supposed to know what people need or want? if i ask, it makes me seem heartless, but if i don't and get them something, what if it's not wanted? that's almost as bad as not getting anything in the first place...god forbid.

please don't get me anything for my birthday. i promise i won't be mad.

he's my only friend lately

brown recluse

do people still use this? it's me again...boring me.

i have an insomnia problem lately. for the past week there have been days where I don't sleep at all, or very little. I have work in the morning, more piano and voice students, but can't seem to get it together sleep-wise.

get it together.

there are so many updates i could talk about. i could talk about revelations, obstacles, overcoming those obstacles, personal fulfillment, social elusiveness, complete sobriety...

everyone loves a reformed sinner, right?
maybe i just want to be loved too, like those people in the photos when you buy frames. they all look so happy and laughing and smiling. or gazing into someone else. maybe they're gazing into me, wishing they had my life?

they're made of paper, joy.

i guess i'm getting tired, i'm being all introverted and over-thinking everything. my life isn't sad. I love it. I love being myself. maybe i just wish i wasn't more socially awkward as i progress through life.

on my mind

I've worried for a long time now that I might have something wrong medically. The lapses in memory are becoming more difficult to deal with. I constantly feel like I'm either high/drunk or watching my life as if i were sitting in front of a TV screen...completely separated from reality.

I'm starting to fear myself a little. I don't know how to handle this brain problem when I go back to school or work...I hope I'm not dying because I'm not ready to.

if i let this go, would the scars continue to show?

I haven't really been doing much of anything...trying really hard to find a supplemental job. havent been able to relax at all lately.

trying to drink more tea instead of coffee. and trying to smoke much less than i have been...trying to spend less time out and make sure my family doesnt think i'm avoiding them. i'm really not.

i just feel like i'm wandering around. no purpose anymore.